A Series of Unfortunate Sales and Trades - A Memoir by Oswald the Merchant (1)
Hello my wonderful guests and customers! No? Not buying anything? Ah well, stick around then, you'll soon find something interesting to see! I've been asked by many (and by many I mean none at all) to produce the printed versions of my many (and by many I mean a significant amount) encounters with the array of customers I've been met with. Hah! You're in luck! This here is an accurate (probably) account of one of the many successful chea- I mean sales! Yes! Successful sales of mine! Take note that the events in this memoir don't run in chronological order! Why, you ask? Haha! Because..uh..because of reasons! Yes, reasons! Unfortunate Sale #1 - Magic Armour There was this one time I was in Valeria, as usual, minding my own business, yes? Because I DO run a business. Ah yes, but then I was wrongly accused of killing one of their basta- KNIGHTS, because of some armour the idiot purchased. Anyway, here's how the story went: As soon as I reached the halidom, kingdom, city, whatever, I was tired and very thirsty. I travel far! At that point in time I had just returned from the Sands, a very hot part of the world, I assure you. My caravan consisted of many things, weapons, old books, armour and whatever magical items those bastards from the Sands could sell me. Pardon? My Galleria? Of course it was part of the caravan too. How did I carry it? You're asking the wrong questions! Hush now, let me continue! Ahem, as I was saying, I reached the kingdom with my caravan, carrying many many things. I was going to give a day or two before finally deciding to set-up the bloody shop (honestly, nobody ever buys things from travelling merchants, they think I want to cheat them! Which is only half-true, if you think about it) but then one of the Valerian basta-knights came up to me and said something, which went along the lines of this: "You can't be travelling with heavy baggage like that...blah blah...insert idiotic quote...It disrupts the peace here... quite unlike the Sands...yadayada" Point is! I couldn't be going around the halidom with a caravan as huge as mine! So I set up the bloody shop in one of the quieter corners of the place. Shady? Well, there were quite a few trees in the area. Hah! It took me...2 hours? The slav- I mean helpers, were very fast and efficient! Remind me to charge higher for them. It wasn't until later in the day, when most of the day guards were off from duty to indulge in drinking and whatever it is that fat and burly man do, that I had my first (and only) customer at that period of time. It was getting dark, so I lit the room up with some of the Yellow Materia that I found in my caravan. Odd though, I don't remember selling molding gemstones. "Let there be LIGHT!" I chanted, and then you could hear a hymn of some sort in the background. Must be the rats. I need to clean the place. As soon as it lit, I heard three knocks at the door (actually it was more like banging) and the bells chimed. One of those fat and burly men in bronze armour entered the shop. I must tell you, his armour looked like a hand-me-down, probably couldn't afford a better one. Poor chap (pun intended!). Ah well, he's dead now. "Welcome to Oswald's Emporium, sir! I am Oswald, great merchant of this continent and others! What can I help you with?" I said, as sweetly as I can, but he stunk of alcohol. "Hnnnnnggg....new...strong...magic.." was all I heard from him. New? Strong? Magic? Why, he must be looking for a sword to fight off those evil witches from the Mundus! I showed him my display, and for a man as big as him I assumed the Durandal would have been good. But no! He couldn't even lift it! "Not....sword....armour.." is what I heard next. Armour eh? A magical one? Well he was in luck, because I'd just stol-BOUGHT some good-looking ones from the Sand bastards. For a man his size (and smell), I couldn't sell him the better armour. So I looked in that back of the shop for one the...unreviewed ones that I packed. I grabbed a black one. It needed polishing, and maybe a little bit of hammering to whip it back into shape. As I held it, a piece of parchment paper fell out. The scripture was in an old Beastkin language, one that I couldn't yet read. Hmm, maybe I should have consulted someone before selling that thing. Ah well, the milk has been spilt. I showed the burly guard the armour, oh here comes the funny part. He gave me a satchel of coin (even when I hadn't stipulated a price!) and began to strip! Took all the metal off his torso. So I said "Ho, sir! At least wait till I turn around!" and he went all "Hnnnggg...ruins...lightning...". Whatever was he babbling about? Quite a traumatic experience, really, watching all his flabs. *Cringe* Strange things happened next. The armour was a tad bit too small for him, so he had trouble breathing. But then it began to expand in size, just enough to fit him well. "Interesting,"I said, because it was really interesting. But then the sides of the armour began to glow in crimson red. Pretty soon, so did his eyes. There was a really bright flash, and when I opened my eyes, poof. He was on the ground, out cold, dead even. The armour turned into dust. Shortly after, more fat and burly man came to my shop, and before I knew it, I was being dragged into one of the dungeons under the castle. The rest of the story? Interrogated, starved for a few hours, and then released, BUT THEY TOOK MY MAGICAL ARMOUR. ALL OF IT! Potential revenue! Gone! Poof! Just like the dead man! So! That concludes the story of why I don't have any magical armour to sell as of now. But I will! Soon! Toodles!